Erica: Hey, girl. By now, you know I have HER Collective, my online community for ambitious women who are done doing it alone. HER Collective is for the women who are smart, capable, and driven, but they find themselves stuck on the sticky floors like self doubt, burnout, and waiting for permission that quite honestly never comes. Inside HER, you get more than motivation. You get real support, real strategies, and real momentum. We work on things like clarifying what you want now and what's coming next, building confidence without burning yourself out, handling hard conversations, career moves, and leadership moments with clarity, and surrounding yourself with women who actually get it. This isn't about hustling harder.

Erica: It's about moving intentionally with the right tools and the right people in your corner. If you're ready to stop spinning, start choosing yourself, and build a career and a life that actually feels aligned, I'd love to welcome you inside HER Collective. You can learn more and join us at www.joinhercollective.com. Because honestly, girl, you were never meant to do this alone. Have you ever heard of the put a finger down game?

Erica: Now, I saw this on TikTok a while back, and the trend seems to have fallen off. I haven't seen it recently, but I'm gonna bring it back here for a moment. But this put a finger down game isn't gonna be some rendition of Never Have I Ever, or all the crazy things you did in your college days. It's going to be around negative self talk, the emotions we feel when we're disappointed in ourselves, and it's gonna be all about self compassion.

Erica: So I want you to start by holding one hand up. All five fingers extended, like you're gonna give somebody a high five.

Erica: And I want you to put a finger down if you ever beat yourself up mentally for doing something you wish you hadn't done.

Erica: Put a finger down if you've ever felt shame or embarrassment over something you did or didn't do. Put a finger down if you ever fell short of your own expectations and you were mad at yourself. Put a finger down if you ever punished yourself for falling short of those expectations. And put a finger down if you ever felt like a bad wife, a bad mom, a bad friend, and went over the top trying to make up for whatever mistake made you feel that way.

Erica: How many fingers do you have left? Any? I know I'm not the only one with zero fingers left, y'all.

Erica: As women, wives, moms, and friends, we juggle all the responsibilities and demands on our time and energy. Right? We have bosses, we have spouses and kids, all demanding sometimes 100% of our attention at the same time. And it is hard.

Erica: It can be so easy to fall into this trap of being hard on ourselves when we fall short on all of these expectations. Not to mention the weighted expectations that society puts on us. Is our house clean? Are our kids put together? Are we put together? Did we exercise for thirty minutes today? Don't forget, it's pajama day at the daycare.

Erica: The other kid needs to bring in cupcakes for the school party, and baseball practice is this weekend. You're expected to handle all of that with ease and grace and look good while doing it.

Erica: Okay. This makes me feel frantic when I think of all the things I am expected to do. From work to family, it's exhausting. It can be so easy to fall into this trap of being hard on ourselves when we fall short of these expectations.

Erica: But what if we switched it up? What if we approached ourselves with kindness and compassion instead? Today, we're going to talk about why self compassion is so hard, why it is also so important, and what we can do about it. Y'all know I gotta leave you with some tips here.

Erica: So I don't know about you, but I'm a bit of a people pleaser and a little bit of a perfectionist. Many of us were raised with the belief that self criticism and perfectionism is necessary for success. We're told to constantly look for ways that we can improve, which can be powerful if it's done the right way. But we may feel like we aren't doing enough, or that we aren't as good as all of the other working moms or women out there.

Erica: But let's be real. We all look at our social media accounts and we see everyone's highlight reels. We think that's their every day. We don't see the behind the scenes chaos that most of us are going through, and it creates this unrealistic level of expectation. We see others' highlight reels and we question ourselves. Why is it so much harder for me?

Erica: Why can't I get it all together? Why can't I be as happy as them? We have this negative self talk and the spiraling where we berate ourselves for our perceived shortcomings and failures. As a friend, we gotta stop that shit. We may be conditioned to prioritize the needs of others over our own. We may feel guilty or selfish for taking the time for ourselves and for self care.

Erica: But if we do not take a moment and just pause, this cycle of self sacrifice can lead to massive burnout and resentment. You've been there?

Erica: I know I have. And this is why self compassion is so important. Not only does it sound good, right? But research actually shows you that self compassion is associated with a wide range of benefits, like lowering your levels of anxiety and depression, greater resilience in the face of challenges, improved physical health, and higher levels of life satisfaction and happiness. Practicing self compassion for others is something that we are often taught as kids.

Erica: So today I'm gonna ask you to practice that same self compassion for yourself. You are allowed to be kind to yourself. You are allowed to forgive yourself.

Erica: It isn't selfish. And if you can master this, you will be able to give yourself peace of mind. When you can be kinder to yourself and less judgmental, your life will truly transform. One exercise is to talk to yourself like you would a best friend. Bear with me. I know it's a little woo woo, but we're gonna walk through it.

Erica: I'm gonna take you back to the college days. Think about when your best girlfriend, maybe your sorority sister, maybe a dorm roommate, whoever. Think about when she came running in to you, just tears falling all over the place, telling you that her stupid ass boyfriend dumped her.

Erica: Would you go to her and say, Sarah, I mean, I get it. Right? Like, you can be really clingy. You can be super needy.

Erica: You call him way too much, and let's face it, you did put on an extra five pounds this past year, so I'm not really surprised. Oh, no. You would not do that. And let's be real clear.

Erica: If anyone ever said that to you, you better go out and buy a voodoo doll just for them. Most likely, you hugged your best friend and you said, what a freaking loser. He doesn't know what he lost.

Erica: You are beautiful. You are smart, amazing, and anyone would be lucky to have you. So why don't we talk to ourselves like that? We are more likely to ruminate on that negative self talk and beat ourselves up than we are to practice self compassion on ourselves. Why do we get lost in these storylines and let our minds just run away with it?

Erica: Well, I'm no psychotherapist, but I've had my fair share of experiences like this. And with the research I've done in my quest to be more self compassionate, I have found that there are a few reasons why we struggle to give ourselves that grace. We touched on it a little bit earlier, but our conditioning and upbringing can be a factor. Many of us were raised with the belief that we should behave a certain way, act a certain way, respond a certain way.

Erica: And if we don't, we beat ourselves up. We may have internalized these messages of perfection and society's expectations, and we're hard on ourselves when we fall short of them. Another reason, one that hits really close to home for me, is the fear of weakness or failure. We hold ourselves to such a high standard that when we don't hit all our goals or live up to our own expectations, the negative self talk starts. None of this is good, y'all, but here's what I want you to know. Self compassion is not throwing a pity party.

Erica: It's not excusing bad behavior, and it's not selfish. It also won't make the pain go away, whatever you're going through, but it does allow space for forgiveness. It allows you the space to live the human experience. No one is perfect. So why do you expect yourself to be?

Erica: The next time you're talking shit about yourself, criticizing, ruminating on a mistake, wishing you'd done something different, I want you to do the best friend exercise. Grab a journal, write it out. I've said it once and I will say it again. There is power in putting pen to paper. Write out the situation, what happened, but do it as if it's your friend talking to you.

Erica: How would you respond to this friend? What would you say? What is your tone, like the inflection of your voice? Are you yelling? Are you speaking calmly? What are your non verbal cues? Do you have crossed and closed off angry arms, or is your face soft and your arms open for an embrace?

Erica: What advice would you give this friend? And then I want you to compare it to that voice in your head and what it is saying. If that voice in your head is filled with negative self talk and disappointment, shut it down. And you can shut it down by shifting your thoughts. Take, I can't believe I just yelled at my kid, to I'm learning from my mistakes and my triggers, and now I know that when I'm tired, I need some space.

Erica: He broke up with me, I'll never find love, to, I haven't found the right person yet. I didn't act in a way I'm proud of, to, I'm learning my triggers and I still have more to learn. And then, I messed up, I can't believe how stupid that was, to, I'm not perfect, and that's okay.

Erica: It's okay to mess up. The main point being, be kind to yourself, be supportive. When you allow the space to feel the emotions, they can pass through us more easily. To make mistakes, to screw up royally, is to be human, and to be human includes the good and the bad.

Erica: This practice of self compassion, it is a sticky floor for so many women, because we face these high levels of stress and pressure and societal expectations. But when we take that moment and we acknowledge these struggles, the negative self talk, we can respond with kindness and compassion, and we can live a more full life. And I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Sharon Salzberg. Self compassion is not a luxury. It is a necessity. Without it, we cannot flourish and be our most authentic selves.

Erica: Real quick, before you go, I've got a huge goal to get 105 star reviews before I drop my one hundredth episode, which is coming up quick. I need your help. Scroll down, tap write a review, and drop a few words on what you love about this episode. It truly helps the message land in the hands of the woman that needs to hear it most.