Erica: Danielle, welcome to the show. How are you today?

Danielle: I am doing well. Thank you so much for having me here, Erica.

Erica: Oh my gosh. Well, I hate to say it, but when this hits the air, I shouldn't say I hate to say it, I love to say it. You're gonna be a brand new European resident. Tell me about this exciting move.

Danielle: Oh, so, yeah, I am about to embark on a whole new adventure. I currently live in San Francisco. I'm originally from New York. I've been in San Francisco for about ten years, and I am getting ready to move to London. It's been a dream of mine for many, many years. I spent time there when I was in college and kind of fell in love with the city then. And finally, twenty some odd years later, I'm making it a reality.

Erica: Well, I love this. And I know I told you earlier that we were gonna start with your stories in the real estate world, but then this popped into my head. A big bold move like this uncovers so many feelings, so many limiting beliefs and sticky floors. Should I do this? Can I do this? Why am I doing this? So tell me, what are some of those thoughts swirling through your head right now, and what is keeping you going and pushing through?

Danielle: So I will say, I'm having all of the feelings. All of them. So excited to start this new chapter, terrified to leave the life that I know right now, really sad to leave behind people that I love, and knowing that this is all a part of it and it's supposed to happen. And I will tell you, I think a lot of the things that keep pushing me forward are the things that I work with clients with all the time. When you're having those thoughts, the things that you're scared about, you gotta keep going. Just because I'm scared doesn't mean I don't do it anyway. And that came from, you know, I was in commercial real estate for twenty years, but also ten years ago made a big move across the country from New York to San Francisco. And that alone has given me the, I know that I can do it. That was such a huge change to pick up your life. I moved across the country. I didn't know anyone here. I just was like, oh, there's a job here. Why not? Let's do it. And it has been the best move that I ever made. It has given me so much personally. It has given me so much professionally. My whole life has changed here as well, and I do credit taking the leap at some point has now allowed me to take these other leaps. It doesn't mean that I am like, oh, of course, duh, I'm just gonna do this and this is easy. I'm still having those same feelings. I'm just dealing with them differently now. I have these different tools to use. I have more experience to draw upon, but I'm able to really believe that I could do the thing. If I had never taken that leap ten years ago, I don't know that I would've.

Erica: I love this example because my immediate reaction is, like, could never be me, Danielle. I could never pick up my life and move to London right now. And I wanna acknowledge, especially for everybody listening, Danielle's life and my life look very different. I'm married with two little kids. They're in school. We have a lot of different nuances. But it still gives me the glimmer of possibility, and it gives me the reminder that you can still do it. Everything I would have to do might look different, I'd have to figure out schools in London, etcetera, but it's still doable. And I think a lot of the women I know, when they think about these big massive life changes, whether that's moving out of the country, taking a new job in a totally different industry, maybe getting a divorce, so many people just think it couldn't be me because it seems like such a colossal thing. When I think about moving to London, I'm like, I don't even know how the hell you do that. Do I have to get a visa? Do I have to get a work permit? So tell me, what were the little things that kept giving you that confidence to move forward?

Danielle: Well, I'm just gonna go backwards a minute, because of the experience that I've already had. I am not, when this comes out, I'm in London, but right now I'm not. And I will tell you, I am having all of those fears, all of those things come up being like, who do you think you are? I can't do that. And even though I have proven in my life that I can, that I picked up, I moved ten years ago, I built an incredible life here and changed so much of my life in the last ten years, I still have in my head, who is that? Who is that person that can do that? And I'm no different than anyone else. There's nothing special about me that says, oh, you can do this. Yes, I'm single, so I can do it on my own. I don't have other people that I have to accommodate or bring along with me.

Erica: Like make it easier or harder. Right? Because as someone who comes with a built in ready family, like, I already got community when I moved to London. You don't.

Danielle: Yeah, so it could be easier or harder. Exactly. And so it doesn't matter. None of that matters because their circumstances are neutral, and you get to decide what you do. So I do still have that feeling. When I read other people's stories of doing this, I'm like, oh, that's so crazy, I can't believe somebody's doing that. And then I have to remind myself, you've done that already, and you're doing it again. It's just, you have to take action at some point. I have a privilege, I have my Irish citizenship through my family, which will allow me to live there without a visa. That's a huge thing taken off my plate that I don't need to worry about, but that is a privilege that I have.

Erica: Yeah, but it's also just a thing to do.

Danielle: Exactly. And then there's this other part of me that just is like, if I don't do it, I'm gonna regret it. And the worst thing that happens is I get there and it doesn't work, and I can go back to San Francisco, I can go to New York, I can go someplace totally different. But knowing that I've done this before, I can do it again, and the consequences aren't that dire, knowing that is really helpful. Knowing that I can always go back to somebody's house. And that was the thing that catapulted me ten years ago, my life in New York wasn't bad, and I just had this new opportunity. Do something new, try something new. And the worst that would happen is, okay, I went back to New York. And it's also getting out of your head the part of, everyone's gonna judge me if that happens. No one is paying that close attention to what I'm doing in my life. So if I were to come back and say, San Francisco didn't work, or London didn't work, no one is gonna be like, oh my god, you're such an idiot for taking that risk. It'll be like, oh, great, what was that experience like? And so those things that we get stuck in, everyone's watching and everyone's judging, nobody is. Everybody's so obsessed with themselves that nobody's paying that close attention. And if they are, those are people who are rooting for you. And if you fall on your face, they are going to be the people there that are gonna kick you back up.

Erica: Alright, girl, this just reminds me so much of the master class that you did inside HER Collective, which was just incredible, by the way. And you talked all about positive intelligence, we talked about the saboteurs. So lay it on us. What is positive intelligence, and then maybe introduce some of these saboteurs?

Danielle: Sure. So positive intelligence is a framework by Shirzad Chamine, and it was created basically to say, listen, we all have these different parts of us. It also overlaps with internal family systems. I feel like there's a million different ways people have heard about this, but the way it's talked about in positive intelligence, we all have a judge inside of us. And I just talked about the judges outside of us, but we all have them inside of us as well. And this judge has all these accomplices that show up in different ways. These were created when we were children. When we were young and we didn't have the ability to take ourselves out of a physical situation, out of an emotional situation, we found ways to cope that made us feel safe. And then you fast forward thirty, thirty five years, and you're still running on that same software of the things that kept you safe when you were a kid. But now you're a grown adult, and you get to make different decisions, but we don't even know that because we're just running on the same software. So we gotta update things. There's an assessment you can take. If you go to positiveintelligence.com, there's a saboteur assessment. It's totally free. I highly recommend everyone take it. I think you should take it with your teams at work, with your partners at home, with your friends, so you understand how is everybody really working here. And what it reveals is what are your top saboteurs, how are those showing up, how often are they showing up in your life. And it tells you maybe why these are showing up. I use this with all of my clients. Some of my clients are like, have you been following me around? And other ones are like, this doesn't land. And if this doesn't land, walk away, move on, find something that does. I think the worst thing you could do is to find something that is not working for you and try to fit your square peg into that round hole, don't do that. But for me, this has also helped me so much personally, telling me what are the things that are holding me back, what are the ways patterns are showing up in my life that I need to be aware of so I can make a different decision. And this is all based in neuroscience and positive psychology and cognitive psychology. As we've learned more about the brain, we have neuroplasticity, which means we can change the way our brains work. And we have these neural pathways that have been there for a really long time. Because we have set up these saboteurs that come to keep us small and safe, these well worn pathways are the ways we show up in things. And what we need to do is become aware of them, number one, and then to be aware that I get to choose something else because I am a grown adult, I am safe where I am, and I get to make a new decision. And so that is really hard at first, because that neural pathway is the autobahn, we're halfway down it before we even know it's happened because it's been used so many times. Now we have to make a different decision, and now we're gonna be going down like a dirt road. Maybe there's a path, maybe there's not, there's rocks, there's branches, and it's gonna feel harder. But if we want things to be different in our lives, we have to make different decisions. And when we can start doing that, being aware of the decisions we're making, not making them on autopilot, we can see changes happening in our lives. And so the idea of the move I'm making right now, I can see my saboteurs everywhere, and my number one saboteur is an Avoider. So I will tell you, I have downloaded some new games on my phone that I am playing because I'm gonna do that instead of packing boxes.

Erica: Pick up a new video game habit?

Danielle: Right, they're all word games, so they're actually really good for my brain. Because also my saboteurs are really smart, they're really smart, being like, no, but you're helping your brain health when you play these games instead of not doing the thing that's right in front of me. And so I need to realize when that's happening, and I need to take a deep breath, get really present, and decide I'm going to make a different choice here because I don't want that to be a thing that's holding me back.

Erica: What are some of the other more popular saboteurs that you see show up, especially in ambitious women who are out there? Where are they getting stuck?

Danielle: So the stickler, which would also be a perfectionist, that is really high. Hyperachiever. So hyperachiever is I need to get that next promotion, I need to get the gold star, I need to get the award. And what we believe with that is when I get all of that, then I'll be safe, then I'll be loved. And the lie of that is that's not what anybody cares about, that's not gonna keep you safe, that's not gonna keep you warm at night. So to acknowledge when that's what you're going after as opposed to what do you really want here.

Erica: Yeah, that's, I thought it was interesting when we did it inside HER Collective, so many of the women had the exact same top three. I was like, well, we're attracting the right people here, all of us are hyperachievers. I know I certainly was. So with all that being said, Danielle, what are some of the daily habits or things you do to ensure these saboteurs don't show up and destroy all of the work and progress you made? What can these women listening do today to recognize their saboteurs are there and bust through them?

Danielle: So the thing I think is so important is we have to get really present, and we don't do that. We're always living in the future of what needs to happen ten steps down the road. And when we want things to be different, we have to get really present. Some ways to do that, meditation really helps, to get into a place where you can be present where you are. There's what they talk about in positive intelligence, your PQ brain. We have your EQ, your emotional intelligence, your IQ, and then we have your PQ, your positive intelligence. So how do we build up that muscle in your brain, you get yourself to be really present. There's little tips to bring yourself to the present moment often throughout the day so when the stakes are higher, you can do that. So one thing is, when you're brushing your teeth, instead of going through your to do list of the things you need to do today, which is what everybody does, we just got out of bed, okay, I have to respond to that email, I have to pack the kids' lunch, but we are missing out on, oh, I'm actually brushing my teeth, oh, I have minty toothpaste, oh, there's bubbles here. Pay attention, and if you can get there, then when those things come up that you wanna make a different choice, you can bring yourself back into your body. You know how to do it. Feeling your feet on the floor.

Erica: But the brushing your teeth thing had me cackling because I am that woman. I am brushing my teeth while trying to also do a two handed thing with my one other hand, like squeezing toothpaste onto my kids' toothbrushes, or walking to the kitchen putting something away. I don't think I have ever only just brushed my teeth in like thirty years.

Danielle: And so giving yourself that place to be like, oh, I know how to get back to doing the one thing. Do nothing for two minutes other than brush your teeth. And since when that thing comes up that triggers you all the time, the thing that's going to send you into hyperachiever mode or stickler mode or controller mode, when we can see those patterns and know that's gonna happen, we know how to get our body back into this place. We know how to get to the place where we're really present, and then knowing, alright, I'm gonna choose that unpaved path. And I'm probably gonna hit my head on a branch, and I might trip over a rock, but that's okay, I'm choosing to do that because I want a different result.

Erica: I love that. I wanna share this quick story because it's kind of totally insane. And it brings me to, I've been in the last two weeks really trying to be present, to not have my headphones in when I'm walking around, to really just pay attention. And in the times that has happened in the last two weeks, crazy things have happened. So I was on a flight coming from Wyoming, visiting friends. I was coming back and I had a direct flight to San Francisco. It got canceled due to a mechanical issue. So I get put on another flight that went through Salt Lake City and then to San Francisco. I was five hours delayed, whatever, it was fine. But I get on the second flight, and I wasn't supposed to be on this flight. And I sit down, and a lot of times I put my headphones right in, I don't need to listen to the safety things because I know it, I'm on a plane all the time. Noise canceling, not paying attention. For some reason, I didn't do that. And the flight attendant says, we're making an announcement that we would normally make if there was a medical emergency on the flight, we would ask for a doctor or nurse to help us, but we actually have a different announcement. We have a couple on the plane that would like to get married. Is there anyone on this plane that's able to officiate a wedding?

Erica: On the plane?

Danielle: Yep. And so I raised my hand. I raised my hand because I've officiated two weddings, two of my friends asked me and had me do this amazing thing for them. I am a universal life minister, and I can officiate a wedding. So I told the lady that looked at me, was like, are you serious? And I was like, yeah, I am. So then she calls me back to the back of the plane. He was like, alright, let's go. And I was like, why are you getting married on a plane? They were like, for military reasons, they were planning a wedding, but by the time they actually have the wedding they want, it wouldn't be enough time for her to be listed on his benefits and all of this stuff. And they had a marriage license for Jackson, so I married them on a plane. And I'm a part of these people's story now.

Erica: Do you have, like, a location field on them?

Danielle: There is. Yeah, we were in Jackson. So that's why we had to do it before we took off on the plane, because that was what their marriage license was for. And it was a really cool experience. It's a weird thing. So I sign off, I married these people, and then I started thinking about it. I was like, if I had my headphones in, I never would have heard that. And how many times have I been on a plane before where I didn't pay attention? I was on a plane a couple weeks ago, and we're sitting on the taxiway, and all of a sudden I'm like, why is everybody so angry around me? And I look around, and it's like, so we're gonna be sitting here for three hours. And I was like, oh, I totally missed that. So I'm trying to use that as a lesson of being more present, of not constantly trying to, I could have been listening to a podcast, I could have been doing anything and would have missed this really cool opportunity to do something. And so I just wanna use that as an example of, take your headphones out of your head.

Erica: What could possibly happen on a plane that I wanna be a part of. Okay, this has been fantastic. I highly encourage anyone who's here to take that positive intelligence assessment and find out what your saboteurs are. It was so affirming, revealing to see what they were. It was definitely like knowing a kindred spirit. But Danielle, I wanna ask you this, it's always my last question, best question. If you could go back in time to the Danielle before she really knew and understood who her saboteurs were, what piece of advice would you give her today knowing everything you know now?

Danielle: I feel like it's part of what I said before, no one is paying that close of attention to you, so go do the thing. Don't worry about everybody else's judgment, don't worry about what you feel like everybody wants you to do. Do the thing you wanna do, and it'll work out. And if it doesn't, you'll figure it out too. But honestly, the times that I've taken a risk, it has ended up better than I ever could have imagined. And no one's paying that close attention to you, so do what you want.

Erica: I love it. And that's a piece of advice I think I always need to be hearing, that is absolutely one of my saboteurs, worrying about what other people will think. That's why I made a whole chapter in my book about it, because that is a sticky floor that I still struggle with. But Danielle, thank you so much for being on the show. Best of luck with the move. Head to daniellemccombs.com. Check out her podcast, she is an amazing cohost with her friend Christy, and they just have the best time.