Erica: Hey, girl. By now, you know I have Her Collective, my online community for ambitious women who are done doing it alone. Her Collective is for the women who are smart, capable, and driven, but they find themselves stuck on the sticky floors like self doubt, burnout, and waiting for permission that quite honestly never comes. Inside HER, you get more than motivation. You get real support, real strategies, and real momentum.

Erica: We work on things like clarifying what you want now and what's coming next, building confidence without burning yourself out, navigating hard conversations, career moves, and leadership moments with clarity, and surrounding yourself with women who actually get it. This isn't about hustling harder. It's about moving intentionally with the right tools and the right people in your corner. If you're ready to stop spinning, start choosing yourself, and build a career in life that actually feels aligned, I'd love to welcome you inside her collective. You can learn more and join us at www.joinhercollective.com.

Erica: Because, honestly, girl, you were never meant to do this alone.

Bianca: The the highs and lows of that are so extreme and so intense, and I don't know any mother out there that doesn't think they're messing up their kids. You're

Erica: messing up my kids somehow.

Bianca: Here I and you are to some degree. I mean, that's parent. That's life or whatever. But, also, you know, these these things, you're doing so much more right. Like, you are doing it right.

Erica: Today, I have fellow chief sister and working mom connection, Bianca Lager. Bianca has graciously responded to a random Facebook post of mine. And after doing a little sleuthing and snooping on her profile, I knew that I had to talk to her.

Erica: We had so much in common from being a high achieving mama to a Peloton lover. I will tell you that our first call was nothing short of amazing. I almost wish that we had recorded it there, but here we are today. So, Bianca, it is so good to have you. Thank you for being here.

Bianca: Thank you so much, Erica. Pleasure to be here.

Erica: Awesome. So before we dive in, since everybody else did not get our lovely first intro call, tell us a little bit about yourself, what you do, and who you are.

Bianca: Yeah. Absolutely. Yes. And it is true. The rumors are true.

Bianca: I did just comment on a Facebook post that you posted, and so glad I did. Yes. My name is Bianca Lager. I'm the president of a company called Social Intelligence, fellow chief, fellow mama, fellow Peloton, all the above. And I, basically, someone who grew up, I would say, on the maybe upper edge of poverty, lower tier of low middle to low income, and, you know, where, things were a struggle.

Bianca: My parents didn't go to college, had kids really young, and had a decent amount of generational trauma of their own. Let's just put it that way. Bit of bit of chaos there in my childhood, and then, you know, I knew very clearly gosh. When I was very, very young, I had to get a good education. It was my way.

Bianca: It was my ticket. And I got a lot of positive feedback from my performance at school, so that was sort of you know, I leaned into academics as my way. And I wasn't, like, the smartest girl in the world. I wasn't out here being valedictorian, but, you know, I was committed to doing well, and so I did. I got was the first person in my family to graduate college, and eventually went to grad school, got my MBA, and, essentially got recruited to run this company, when I graduated with my master's in business.

Bianca: And I will say that running social intelligence has been much more of an education than anything else that I've ever done in my life. And so, so here I am now. Here I am. Seven years later. Seven years into social intelligence.

Erica: Seven years probably flew by too, didn't it?

Bianca: I it feels like a lifetime and the blink of an eye all at once, you know, for sure. I've had, two babies in between, and lost my father to cancer. There was a lot of life that happened in those seven years.

Erica: Well, I love how you talk about education as a big piece of it because I grew up with that same, like, mentality drilled into me of, like, anyone can take anything from you. They can take your home. They can take your children away from you, but, like, they cannot take your education. So you have to get a good education. And that always stuck with me as such a powerful tool, and I think it has it has contributed to my growth mindset.

Erica: I mean, do you feel the same way?

Bianca: Yeah. I never really thought about it that way, but it's so true.

Erica: It's a little intense.

Bianca: It's a little intense, but it's so true. My, you know, my grandfather told me, you'll never regret it.

Erica: You know

Bianca: what I mean? It's like you'll you'll be, you know, whatever you have to do to get it. And when you're on the other side of it, you know, you don't really look back and say, gosh. I shouldn't have done that. Certainly, getting your bachelor's degree.

Bianca: And, you know, I think it's such a valuable thing to just give yourself time as a young person to, you know, immerse yourself in a culture of learning and also just, like, have fun. You know? I mean, college is a lot of work. It teaches you so many things, but it's the only time in your life where you get to be a college kid. You know?

Bianca: And and there's sort of a phrase and all sorts of nuances around that for a reason. I mean, it's a hell of an experience. And for the experience alone, which I didn't exactly expect and my experience was not typical of many other people's. I was looking around and, you know, know, everyone's living their best life. I'm, like, working fifty hours a week, like, you know, student loans and, you know, all these kind of things.

Bianca: But nonetheless, time of my life.

Erica: Yeah. Doing the hustle, doing the thing. But I love that. Yeah. You'll never regret it.

Erica: No. I haven't heard one person say, like, man, I shouldn't have gone back for that master's degree.

Bianca: Yeah. I mean, it I guess it depends. Right? Like, what are your goals? Like, what are are you applying it in the ways that make sense or whatever?

Bianca: But, like, I think that, like, in terms of accomplishment and, like, I did this thing, nobody can ever take that away from you. Exactly right.

Erica: Absolutely. So when you and I first talked, we talked a lot about women and self love because and I said to you, in a lot of the women that I work with and one of the reoccurring themes that I see so often is that women struggle to really know their worth and understand their value. And that resonated with you. It made you reply to my Facebook post. It did.

Erica: What about that made you reply?

Bianca: Because I too have struggled. Right? And I too have had also, I think, these really great moments of advocating for myself really well. And, also, I just think that it is such an important skill set to develop, in all aspects of life. There's so many women, I think, tend to struggle with this more just because of society and kind of the messaging that's brought to us from very young and kinda being these, like, nurture caretaker roles.

Bianca: You put yourself aside so much, and it's hard. It might be uncomfortable to advocate for yourself really truly and

Erica: as passionately as you might advocate for your child,

Bianca: your sister, your friend. Friend, especially our girlfriends. Right? You're looking at your girlfriends. You're like, girl, you know, you deserve everything.

Bianca: What are you doing? Don't take that. You know? And you won't do that for yourself necessarily. And so I think it's really important for women to examine that.

Bianca: And I really liked the way you phrased it in terms of self love. I mean, I think you can call self care. We kind of I don't know. We might, like, cringe at that a little bit now or, like, self care is just feels overwhelming sometimes. It's like, what am I supposed to, like, get a massage, you know, do some yoga, all the things.

Bianca: Like, it can be overwhelming to feel like you you can't do it all on the list, and self love is so much more internal. And those conversations that you have with yourself and the way that you can practice, I mean, my version of self love, which is, you know, self advocacy and taking up space and making sure that you are speaking up for yourself. It's it's beyond valuable in your career and in your life.

Erica: I love that. I love that it's really breaking it down, that it's not this whole self care thing, which is just turned into this other thing that we're supposed to do, this other checklist. Right? Did we work out today? That's self care.

Erica: Did I drink my green smoothie today? That's self care. Did I meditate today? Oh, did I do my gratitude journal? Did I do my regular journal?

Erica: You know, all of these things. Care routine. Right. My whole 20 step skin care routine. Like, all these things that I'm air quotes supposed to do becomes burdensome, right, which also, if you can't check off all these other things, which all of everyone I ever followed on Instagram is checking off everything or so it seems because of the facade of social media, then you're left with even more of, like, this feeling of, you know, worthlessness or comparisonitis.

Erica: Right? You can't compare to others, and it's Yep. Never ending almost.

Bianca: Totally. Let alone I mean, your own self critic, I mean, I think is probably the worst. Right? You're you're constantly trying to optimize. Right?

Bianca: And and especially if you're, you know, if you are, you're not, like, an ambitious career wise person. You're probably ambitious in other areas of your life, whether it's how you take care of your children or, you know, how you show up for your family members. Like, ambition can really play out in a number of different ways, and you can be really self critical over how you're not performing good enough or how you're not, you know, doing enough. And the human experience, like, we all have these things, these conversations like this in our own head, and, some of that self criticism could be louder than other than for for some people than others. And, I think women tend to have that self critic really loud, especially in the terms of, you know, taking care of others.

Bianca: And then, you know, we live in a society now where most families are two income families. We're not in a position anymore where, you know, we're concentrating on on one focus area of our lives. We have multiple focus areas, and we're spread very thin.

Erica: Yeah.

Bianca: We're spread very thin. And so, it becomes critical to converse with yourself and be really aware of that criticism that you're making in your own mind.

Erica: Yeah. I think what I've noticed a lot in pop culture, right, is people are finally starting to draw attention to it. There was Yeah. An Alicia Keys song that came out after she had her first kid that was called, like, good job, and it was all about, like, you are doing a good job. But it's this constant reminder that we don't have to have this Instagram picture perfect life Yeah.

Erica: To be doing good and to be okay and to be doing all the things. And I think one thing that can be exceptionally hard for high achieving women, right, is people like us who do all the things that we're supposed to do. Right? We went to school. We got the degree.

Erica: Check. We got the master's degree. Check. We got married. Check.

Erica: We had 2.5 kids. Check. We got the promotions. Check. Check.

Erica: Check. Check. Check. And then you kinda get to this spot in life where it's almost like a lull. Right?

Erica: Like, you're you don't have all these milestones that you're hitting.

Bianca: Mhmm.

Erica: And kinda real life settles in. And that can be really challenging because you're getting that self worth from hitting all those milestones. Yep. But what happens when you hit that low? Hey there, listeners.

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Bianca: Right. And and, you know, I think what does happen is you try to optimize. And because there's so many, that's a lot. Like, all those masters that you just mentioned, they have, you know, they have trailing maintenance, I suppose, is the is the way to say it. Right?

Bianca: So so what you've developed is a complex set of projects that need somebody to maintain them every step of the way, let alone the, yeah, that adrenaline rush of getting, like, a net new achievement. Right?

Erica: Right.

Bianca: So, yeah, you're, like, chasing it, and you're also in a place where I mean, it's just simply not possible for one person to do all of those things absolutely well. Right? Each one of those things takes a ton of focus, and we're overextended, and it can create imbalance in your life. And I think, yeah, you're right. You were starting to be really aware of that in the world and pop culture that there is this imbalance, the way, that, you know, we are managing our lives.

Bianca: And the answer, I think that we're learning is, yeah, you gotta let some things go. You know? Like, you you have to accept that good enough in some areas is not just that good enough. And you and, you know, there are some things as a mom, as a career, you're gonna excel really well at. And the other thing, you gotta let it go.

Bianca: You know? And that's hard. It's easier said than done, and it's so simple. Yeah. Alicia Keys, good job, and it sounds you know, people are gonna roll their eyes like, oh, we all need to be told good job.

Bianca: But, like, we do. You know? Like, we actually do need positive reinforcement that, like, the little tiny things that you're doing, making that appointment for your kids, you know, whatever small little thing that you can do, it's you, accomplishing every single day. You are accomplishing. And it maybe it's not those big milestones so you don't get that, like, big rush, but you need to celebrate.

Erica: Absolutely. All

Bianca: of that. Showing up.

Erica: That leads me to my favorite F Yeah journal, which is a chronicle for foul mouthed high achievers. And

Bianca: That's me in a nutshell.

Erica: It's me in a nutshell. My my son just introduced I feel like my mother. He introduced to me the swear jar. He told me I needed to put a quarter in every time I say a bad word, and I remember doing that with my mom. So I was like, we've come full circle.

Erica: We

Bianca: have. And you know what? Good for you for me having having your son tell you. Right?

Erica: But the whole point of this journal is it's, open dated, so you can put whatever day it is, the f yeah thing you did, how it felt, and then how you're gonna celebrate. And what is ironic in this is I bought this journal, I don't know, three or four months ago because my therapist was like, Erica, you need to celebrate all of the things that you are doing. Like, you just tackle one thing and move on to the next and move on to the next. Like, stop, Take a minute and, like, look around you at what you've accomplished. Like, this is amazing.

Erica: So, of course, I went to Amazon, and I found this journal. And, again, three or four months ago, y'all, I have one entry in here. One. And the only piece of it that's left blank is the how I'm going to celebrate. I literally wrote down what I did and how it felt, but I did not put in how I, like, drew a blank.

Erica: And it brings me back to even if it's just writing in this journal is what I'm gonna do to celebrate. We need to be doing more of that. Totally.

Bianca: I have my own version of that. And, yeah, I mean, there I've gone through moments where I'm, like, really good at it and then moments where I'm like, oh my gosh. I haven't written a long time. It and I should I it begs you what your point is well taken here because I'm thinking how I should alter it a little bit. I actually started it to just record sort of little small moments of my kids' childhood.

Bianca: Someone get you know, gave me that piece of advice that, like, it's, like, just kinda write down these little small, like, quirks and little things, and it just like, one sentence or two. So I actually I tried to do it in a journal, and I found that I couldn't write it down. I couldn't like, I don't naturally sit with pen to paper, in a moment of clarity, so it just I never really, like, went out of my way to do it. But I just started as an Excel spreadsheet on my phone. And, and so I jot that down, and it has kind of evolved to being a bit of a journal entry of my of myself.

Bianca: And even if it's the motherhood area of my life, it is serving as, like, a you know, it makes me really proud of the days that I do write it down. Like, you know, maybe the joy that my kids experienced or something that was great as a family. And, I mean, that's gratitude journaling. You know? Like, that's celebratory journaling.

Bianca: Like, I forget that, like, that's what that is sometimes because I'm not thinking about it. And, again, I did it as a motivated to for, like, you know, recording my kids' lives. But, you know, whatever the format looks like in the format and what's kinda natural in your sort of flow of life, wherever you can get it in, it's so important because you do need to remember on a really micro level, oh, yeah. You're moving on. You're moving on.

Bianca: You're moving on. But you were doing it. You're doing the thing every single day and in every moment that you move through life. And, you know, so, anyway, my suggestion to do is go go digital because, you know, God forbid, I use a pen and paper in my life.

Erica: I mean, I love it. Right? But it is a very tangible thing Yeah. That you can do

Bianca: Yeah.

Erica: When you are struggling in those moments to really recognize your worth. Right? And, like, you talked about it being a motherhood journal. Being a mom is hard. Like, it is the most challenging job I've ever had.

Erica: Right?

Bianca: Like Oh, yeah.

Erica: Fired from it right now, but it is arguably one of the most challenging jobs. So even those little things like kids taking steps and saying quirky things, like, all of those are reflection of you as a parent. So I think that's really cool. And then, yeah, just expand on that because that act of taking a minute and almost forcing yourself to find something good that you did brings more about that in your life just like the gratitude journaling that you mentioned.

Bianca: Totally. Yeah. 100%. I call it the story of us. And I think about it in that, like, I would one day, especially when I lost my father, I thought, well, how cool.

Bianca: I mean, for better or worse, I don't I you know? And I get fairly raw on there. How it would be inter I would want to read that of my parent. You know, even I was an adult and I could kinda fully, you know, appreciate it. But, just for your own like, to think about how your parents saw you, you know, during that time.

Bianca: But but also just it's interesting about your own life, like, the way that you were and then the way that your parent thinks about things. And as I'm thinking about these things, you know, that's exactly right. I think that taking a moment to really think about what my kids' experience was with me during the day or something that I noticed or saw or how they're developing or whatever it is, it makes me pause and smile. It gives me joy and right. Like, for better or worse, you know, motherhood gives you such a god complex.

Bianca: I mean, it is. You created this life, and now you're shaping this life. And it is the highs and lows of that are so extreme and so intense, and I don't know any mother out there that doesn't think they're messing up their kids. Yeah.

Erica: I'm messing up my kids somehow. You're right.

Bianca: And you are to some degree. I mean, that's parent. That's life or whatever. But, also, you know, these these things that you're doing so much more right. Like, you are doing it right on balance.

Bianca: And so, you know, really hyper focusing and on a micro level to where you can give yourself a specific example of that is so beautiful. And, you know, things like that I write down, like, I'm like, you know, yeah. Whatever. It's dumb stuff. Right?

Bianca: Like, it's like Henry was squeezing my my three year old Henry is squeezing my face, and I made a little funny sound, and he just got a kick out of it. And he laughed so hard. We laughed together. And, like, that's it. You know what I mean?

Bianca: And it's like, that was such an intimate little emotional connection moment, and that's being a mom. You know? We take it for granted. We don't think about it. We we think that's just, you know, part of our day, part of our life, but think about that tiny moment when when your three year old's looking into your eye and he's cracking up with you.

Bianca: What a beautiful little moment to jot down later, and recall later in your life when your kids are grown, and be like, oh, yeah. I can see that crystal clear. You know?

Erica: Oh, I love it. And as a society too, like, we are just so focused on all the things we do wrong. Right? Like, if you think about a workday, just a normal workday, when you get to the end of your day, you're likely not thinking about the 50 emails that you pumped out and the progress that you made on this project and how well this meeting went. You're thinking about the one tiny thing that you did wrong.

Erica: And, like, why didn't I catch that? And I can't believe I did that. And, you know, everybody's gonna see that. And, you know, we tend to go down this, like, spiral of negativity when, like, in comparison, like, that was a tiny 1% of our day.

Erica: Yeah. What happened to the other 99?

Erica: Why don't we focus on all of that? And I think that's great having this tangible little whether it's on your phone, because I'm a pen to paper kinda girl, or a trusty journal. You know, you can go back to that to try to remember, like, I really did get a lot of shit done today. Like, it's not just this one thing.

Bianca: Completely. I mean right. I mean, you could see how you can translate that outside of motherhood, my little, like, journaling experience to your career, your personal life. I mean, there's so many things. I actually do god.

Bianca: Now I don't think about it. I do document so much. So every year, I actually also, I do two things at the beginning, ish of every year. I do, my annual vision board where I put, like, images together of the way I think, you know, the things that I want in my life or that inspire me or that I can sort of think and I sort of categorize it by different areas of my life, like, you know, personal, internal goals, you know, kinda lifestyle fitness goals, stuff with my kids, stuff for, you know, vacations, I whatever. And then I also create, I create I have this kind of, like, master Excel spreadsheet.

Bianca: Now I'm a bigger Excel girl, clearly. And, it's it I call it my, well, it's my, annual vision and goals. Right? And so in the in the Excel, it's my goals again categorized by category. I'm so type a.

Bianca: Like, listen to this. I'm a psychopath. I write out, like, a vision and mission statement. I write out some, like, quotes that have kind of inspired me or kinda feel like they're thematic for the year. And then I kinda create this chart, and it's funny.

Bianca: Over the years, I've very much simplified it. When I first did this maybe, like, eight, ten years ago, they were, like, 10 goals per category. All the and, you know, and now there's one. There's one in each area, and that's what I can do. And, yeah, I'll write out, like, whatever, you know, forever journaling.

Bianca: Right? And then I have quarterly check-in dates where I put it on my calendar. And every quarter, I, you know, spend a half an hour or so updating my thoughts on my progress or how I'm thinking about the goal. And sometimes I'm like, yeah. This isn't happening.

Bianca: You know what I mean? Or sometimes I'm like, yeah. We're doing well or or remember. Oh, yeah. I gotta get back to this.

Bianca: You know? Whatever it is. And then at the end of the year, I kinda record some thoughts about, about what those things are. And, you know, I started this as a methodology to you know, you know, being the kind of, like, ambitious type a person, it was like, I wonder this, wonder that, wonder that, and there was all these thoughts and whatever. So it was a way for me to organize those thoughts, but then also a way for me to give myself appreciation for look what you have.

Bianca: I have now I have this tangible list at the end of the year I look at, and I say, you did that. That's awesome. Like, great. You know? I think the problem very much and kinda like what you alluded to is, like, the the danger for me anyway and for all of us probably is you're like, okay.

Bianca: What's next? Okay. What's next? Okay. What's next?

Bianca: You know, but not for nothing, you know, the recording of it and the pausing to give it thought and, you know, appreciate why or we're not those goals are relevant or interesting, it's a really good way for you just to remember yourself, get in touch with yourself, remember the things that are important to you, Remember the things that, you had in the back of your head that, you know, maybe someday, you know, write that novel or whatever it is. And you can kinda create micro goals around that to eventually get to the big stuff. And, for me, like, that documentation is just a really great practice. And, you know, if you're if you're somebody who who wants who has the sense that, like, you have all these ideas and you have all the stuff that you're trying to accomplish, you know, writing it down is really just miracle work for yourself.

Erica: No. I love it. One thing that I feel like I have been hearing on repeats a lot, and I read a lot of books, so it's probably in there too and podcast and all that, is this whole connecting your worth and your identity to, like, your job and your successes. Right? So

Bianca: Mhmm.

Erica: By saying, I'm a chief people officer. I'm the president of a company, or I did this great thing. Right? And, And, I mean, that's what we do at parties. Right?

Erica: Oh, hi, Erica. What do you do? Like, number one, boring. But, like, number two, like, I'm so much more than a chief people officer. And I haven't had the opportunity yet because I haven't met anybody new since I've been ruminating on this one.

Erica: But I wanna try to flip the script when I talk to people, and I wanna be like, oh, I'm Erica. I love to run. I am a mom. I've got two kids. And then I wanna kinda see how long it takes them to be like, but, like, what do you do?

Bianca: Yeah. It probably won't take very long.

Erica: I know. Either that or they're just gonna assume I'm a stay at home mom, which you know? But, eventually, all all roads will lead back to there, but I love the idea of not having my identity so closely linked to what I do because, again, that's something that can be taken away at any minute. You know, if a company goes underwater or you get terminated or an acquisition, like, all those things can be gone. And if you're tying your self worth and your value so closely to something that isn't inherently you, like, that could be a really big detrimental thing.

Bianca: Oh, yes. I mean, I turned 40 this year just just less than a month ago, and I don't know if it's just, like, the wisdom now that I have, but I do think that there's a certain time in your life where you really have to come to terms and face these things in really real ways. And it's a really great thing, I think, because your job yes. For all those reasons. Right?

Bianca: It's it's your job. Your relationship with your work can be a for me personally, it's been a a treacherous one at times. And very much, oh, all I mean, my therapist can tell you and, you know, the all the bills that I gave her, I will tell you, like, my relationship with my work has been, like, a core, issue for me and just kinda create making sure I had those boundaries and all these kinds of stuff. And it's hard work. I think, that is something to be conscious of.

Bianca: I think also depending on the time period you are in your life, and we have a lot in common. Like, it's in a similar, like, situation. But depending on the time period and where you are in your life, this can play out in a number of different focus areas.

Erica: Yeah. I

Bianca: have a friend, and, she's kind of getting to this point now where her identity, her whole life has been tied with what she looks like and how much sexual attention she's gotten from men.

Erica: Mhmm.

Bianca: And, right, you know it. It has tailed us all the time too. We all have a friend or two or ourselves who have felt like that to some degree because of, like, you get sexualized pretty young, you know, as a young woman. You do internalize that, and you and when you're a young woman, that's really easy. Body dysmorphia, eating issues, things like this all, like, pan out from that stuff. And you tie your self worth to that one singular particular aspect of your life.

Bianca: And to be conscious of the fact that you are a whole person can, be very hard to kinda work through and and juggle through. And I think for work, you know, you know, when when you are you know, you have the mortgage and, you know, the family and everything like this, it's very easy to, make it be, yeah, about who your self esteem is very much affected by, yeah, that mistake in the email, you know, the your the slide deck that had an error on it or something. You know what I mean? All sorts of stuff. The typo in the email, sending so I did this one, sending confidential docs to, inappropriate people.

Bianca: You know, all these kinds of things that you can really flub up losing the account to who that happened to me recently. All you know? And and it's real anxiety and depression that it it manifests itself at.

Erica: This may seem like a small thing, but I love how you phrase it as your relationship with work. Yeah. Because I think that it creates I don't know. It's just it put me in a totally different frame of mindset when you framed it like that. So I just wanted to bring that out because I don't know that I've ever looked at it like that, but I'm going to from now

Bianca: on. Well, I will tell my therapist that you agree because she is billing you for your next session. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Bianca: Totally. No. But it is. And your relationship with your body, your relationship with your, whatever. You know?

Bianca: Insert thing here that is beating you up, that is that is making it difficult. And, like, any toxic relationship, you know, you do have to examine it, and you do have to your relationship with motherhood. It is what are what self identification is creating the toxicity, creating the tension in your life. You know? And, you know, working through that.

Bianca: You know, working through how to make adjustments so that those relationships improve. You know? Your your, and it does. I think your point here too is, like, it separates it from

Erica: you. Mhmm.

Bianca: Right? You you don't even think about it that way, but it's like, oh, right. Work is here. I am here, and we communicate back and forth. We have this relationship, but, you know, we're not in as intertwined.

Bianca: You know? It isn't, in your DNA. It isn't making your heartbeat. You know? Oh, and it's

Erica: a good reminder that it's a give and take relationship, and it should be a give and take relationship. Right? Like, you are giving services and your expertise and knowledge and time, and it also needs to be feeding you somehow. Right? And, hopefully, that's more than just money, but, you know, sometimes we gotta work for the dollar.

Bianca: Erica, that has been the single biggest epiphany that's changed my life in the past couple years is realizing I was giving more to this relationship than I was getting from it. Right? Financially, which was true for me at the time, but also, you know, in terms of your life balance and your time.

Erica: Yeah.

Bianca: Right? What you know, it's I'm investing a lot of my life. And what is the return here? What is, you know, what is the back and forth happening and coming to a place where, you know, guess what? The world didn't stop when I set better boundaries.

Bianca: Guess what? Like, you know, life still went on. There were still wins and losses. And if the business or job or whatever isn't sustainable unless you give a thousand percent effort and run yourself dry, then it doesn't work. Right?

Bianca: Then that any kind of business or success cannot thrive off that kind of toxicity and that kind of, you know, the imbalance of time of your life. It it's you're gonna burn out. You're going to get to a point where, you know, you're not able to sustain it. And if the business suffers because of that, well, you know, you basically, you know, my point here is don't wanna get to that point.

Erica: Yeah.

Bianca: Because it it will not serve you. It will not serve your business or your career. And, if you get to that place, then you have bigger problems. So, you know, being conscious of that. If you're falling into that trap, if you're going down that road, you know, understand that work boundaries and work life balance and all these things that make us wanna roll our eyes in the back of our head.

Bianca: You know? What it really translates to is like, girl, if you're working too many hours, you need to you need to dial it back. You need to figure it out, because it's not sustainable.

Erica: Yeah. Well, and to bring it back to that, you know, high achiever syndrome that we were talking about and, you know, you use the word optimize, which sounds very positive. But you made the point of, right, like, we get the degree, so then we get another job, add to our plate. Right? Then we get married, add that to our plate.

Erica: Right? Because also, historically, we know that when men and women get married, men's life expectancy increases and women's decreases. So that should just tell you a little something. Right? You So we're adding all of these things to our plate without ever missing a beat until we hit that place of burnout.

Erica: Right? So the whole act of self love is what you said, creating those boundaries and looking at everything as a relationship. And I love that because in every relationship, there is give and take. You know? And if you can approach it from that standpoint, if you are constantly taken from your cup to fill another, you are not gonna have anything in your cup at the end of the day.

Bianca: Yeah. And and, I mean, you know, I think there's a lot of talk around, work and motherhood. It's starting to be more, and I really appreciate that in general because I think, it's we it's so unconscious subconscious that you just do it without thinking. Yeah. You you think that, like, I didn't give more.

Bianca: I'm still standing. I'm still breathing. I can I can do more? I can do more. That rest, that downtime, that separation, the whatever it is, it is so necessary.

Bianca: It it can can can create, you know, when you're momming and careering and, working out and, you know, do trying to do all these things and making your house look pretty for fun.

Erica: That's where my brain automatically goes to is the damn house because those are the little things that creep up. And it doesn't you know, unloading the dishwasher doesn't seem like a big thing or, like, switching the laundry doesn't seem like a big thing. But these are all community chores to be shared within the household. Right? And if you put all in one taking charge, it's a problem.

Bianca: You're constantly working. And even if you're don't physically do it, if you have to be like, can you do this? Can you do you're managing. You're delegating. It is it is a constant like, I am looking, you know, for all these things, and you have to check yourself because sometimes it's like, you know what?

Bianca: Let someone else take the lead here. But, also, you have to just be conscious that, like, you it you you don't like, you need to you need to figure out something else, another system. If you're constantly on and working and it's twenty four hours a day, your brain doesn't get to rest. You never got a chance to recharge, and it's you're gonna start having trouble sleeping. You're gonna you know, these things will start bleeding out in other areas of your life because there's too much in your brain.

Bianca: There's literally too many decisions that are being made constantly. And just the physical toll. Right? You're doing dishes. You're doing the laundry.

Bianca: You're running around with the kids at the park.

Erica: You're coming here. You're here and there. You're you're ready. Sitting down.

Bianca: Yeah. Never. My goodness. And, right, that self love aspect is about, like, understanding, being conscious, being self aware is, like, step number one. Right?

Bianca: Like, admitting you have a problem literally. Like, saying, hey. You know, listen. Like, this is I'm overextended. I am overextended.

Bianca: And these are conversations that need to happen with your partner, need to happen with the people in your life, and need to happen primarily with yourself. You know? It's you're you I think we have a lot of you don't wanna, like, admit failure, and this isn't a failure. You will you will fail and burn if you continue to run that way. But, understanding that it's like, hey.

Bianca: What are the things that are priorities? You know? And then what is just the floors are gonna get clean when they get clean. You know what I mean? Like, it's really hard.

Bianca: It's hard work, and it actually does take that pen to paper, that moment sitting down and really writing it out and thinking through, how you can, how you can manage it and how you can, you know, make make things easier on yourself, be easier on.

Erica: And, you know, we talk about this self awareness, and a piece of it is questioning what we believe to be true. Right? Like, we believe we have to have this clean house. We believe the dishes need to be done before we go to bed. We believe I gotta get the laundry done.

Erica: We believe we have to volunteer for the p PTA, blah blah blah blah, all at the expense of ourself, right, which leaves us then depleted, burnt out, feeling like a failure because we're now at this mess on the floor. You know? It's changing and shifting your mindset around that of, like, do I really have to have these dishes done before I go to bed? Right. Or should I prioritize my rest?

Erica: Right? Right. And so to bring it all the way back to where we were talking about in the beginning is it's like really bringing that awareness and all these shoulds that we place on ourself. Should I work out today? Should I eat that green smoothie today?

Erica: Should I do my skin care routine, or should I just be okay with going straight to bed with a bowl of ice cream? And sometimes that's the answer.

Bianca: Yeah. No. I mean, it's it's such a balancing act. There's no doubt about it. But there's a ton of pressure, I think, to, you know, be task driven and and, you know, do all things.

Bianca: And and you're right. The belief systems of, you know, again, your self worth and and your self esteem. Like, if, you know, my kids didn't have a perfectly balanced nutritious dinner, does that mean I'm a failure? Like, you know, didn't forget yourself. My god.

Bianca: You yourself. I mean, talking preach to the choir over here. I literally haven't eaten a meal today yet. I'm like, you

Erica: know dying because this morning, I actually sat down and ate breakfast, and my son looked at me and he goes, you never eat breakfast. Literally, today. And I was like, well, you and I said, I always eat breakfast, but I'm usually running around the kitchen at the same time. Right. God, what a freaking bell of awareness right there.

Bianca: Totally. Don't completely. Right? And you can't do it all. You cannot be like, oh my god.

Bianca: You know, make sure they get their green beans and their their this and, you know, whatever. And literally not even balance yourself. You know? I mean, it's it's such a tangible way to think about it. Like, you know, the phrases of, like, the self care and filling your own cup and putting your mask on.

Bianca: Like, well, what does that mean? That actually means, like, make you have to make some choices, and it's about concessions. Mhmm. You're not going to do it all. You're everybody is not going to have a perfectly balanced meal.

Bianca: So, you know, the way that you model taking care of yourself is going to translate to what your kids learn about you and how they learn to take care of themselves. And so if they didn't get their perfectly, you know, good nutritious meal for the day, but you know what? You all sat down, you took a breath, and you ate those buttered noodles together, you know what? It's a it's a lot more, nutrition for the soul than, than, whatever.

Erica: Buttered noodles for the soul.

Bianca: Buttered noodles in my name of my book, people.

Erica: I love it. And you know what I'm gonna do is I'm going to take my f. Yeah. Journal. Yeah.

Erica: I'm gonna write down that I sat down for breakfast today, and I actually ate my breakfast.

Bianca: There you go. No. And I think

Erica: I will celebrate tonight by sitting down and eating my dinner.

Bianca: And then tomorrow, you already have one that you're ready to go. But no. It's it's positive reinforcement. Keep It's

Erica: positive reinforcement. I love it. Mhmm. Bianca, if you could go back in time and tell the Bianca who's, like, doing the master's degree, doing all the things, one piece of advice that you wish you knew now that you know all the things, what would that be?

Bianca: Everything's gonna be okay. You know? It's gonna work out, and, you know, it's you you'll you're gonna be able to slow down because going slow is I guess maybe this is it. Going slow is better sometimes. You know?

Bianca: Going slow is okay, and going slow, will benefit you more, you know, in the long run. It's a long game. And and, you know, I think when I think back on that time, it is I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like I'm, like, trying to run towards something. And I'm not even sure if, yeah, here I am yet.

Bianca: You know what I mean? It's like, you know, I don't know, but I do know now in my 40 year old wisdom, that, yeah, it there is a lot of wisdom in, taking things one at a time and taking things as they come. Oh, I

Erica: love it. It's so simple, but so true.

Bianca: Still working on it. Still working on

Erica: it. We're all a work in progress. Oh, Bianca, thank you so much for your time today. I mean, this was amazing. I loved it.

Bianca: Oh, thank you. Anytime. I mean, don't threaten me with a good time. Time. So my pleasure was all mine, Erica.

Bianca: Thank you so much for posting on Facebook and for willing to talk to a stranger.

Erica: I love it. It's my favorite part of the day.

Erica: If you enjoyed this podcast with myself and Bianca Lager today, please rate, review, review, and subscribe to the podcast as you will truly help another woman hear the message that needs it in this moment.